AFC North
Baltimore Ravens: We’re getting the Ravens a new medical and training staff. Hell maybe an entirely new field? This team has all the makings of a Super Bowl team, but they have 16 players on season-ending IR and the only gift they need is better health for their players. Even Lamar Jackson has dealt with various illnesses and now has an ankle injury. Hope Santa can deliver for them this year.
Cincinnati Bengals: The Bengals will receive a true lockdown cornerback. This team has a ton of stud talent and a defense that has played much better than anyone expected. This team is running out cast offs from other teams like Trae Waynes and Eli Apple and a true lockdown corner could make their yuletide gay.
Cleveland Browns: The Browns will be receiving a new set of shoulders for their Quarterback Baker Mayfield. This team has simply not been as competitive with their former number one overall pick hurt as he’s been this season. If that doesn’t work out for them I would return their gift for store credit that can go to an entirely new signal caller.
Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers will be getting a better offensive line for their new star running back, Najee Harris. They could also use this gift to protect their aging quarterback or whatever new quarterback they bring in this offseason. Ben Roethlisberger will be missed, but now all of the reindeer love him (as they shouted out with glee).
AFC South
Houston Texans: This Christmas we will be giving the Texans a time machine to go back to a simpler time a couple of years ago when they were making the playoffs and had one of the league’s best and completely non-disgraced stars. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
Indianapolis Colts: The Colts will be receiving a blow to Carson Wentz’s confidence this year. No longer will he try to bomb deep balls into triple coverage or try to break out of every sack regardless of how many defenders surround him. The calmer, more realistic Wentz will look to be efficient and get out of the way of his team’s world beating running game.
Jacksonville Jaguars: This Jaguars will be receiving their 2017 defense and a more competent head coach for next season. This team is trying to put all of the woes of this awful season behind them and that begins with their conference runner up defense back on their roster. Shad Khan singing to Jalen Ramsey “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUUUUUUUUUUU.”
Tennessee Titans: The Titans began the season with all they needed, Derrick Henry. They learned the lesson this year that any toy one uses too much can break and bring sorrow to the people around you. Dear Titans, we’ll get you another Derrick Henry, but please take care of it this time.
AFC East
Buffalo Bills: The Bills need only one thing if they want to go all the way, a ground game revolving around running backs. This Christmas we’ll be giving them all the tools they need to establish the run with their backfield. This gift will be perfect for building a cold weather team and keeping their star quarterback healthy.
Miami Dolphins: This year the Dolphins will receive answers to the Tua situation. Is he the quarterback of the future? Should they be finding someone to replace him or building the team around his talents? No need to sit around and wait because now they’ll know how to deal with their team going forward.
New England Patriots: The Patriots are spoiled brats and completely ungrateful for all of the gifts they have received. 20 seasons of the best quarterback of all time and another future superstar starting off his career paired with this best coach of all time? Count your blessings Patriots fans you will be spending this Christmas at your local soup kitchen.
New York Jets: The Jets need anything to get the ball rolling in the right direction. That is why they’ll be receiving a veteran quarterback capable of mentoring their struggling first round pick Zach Wilson. They entered the season with Mike White and Josh Johnson on the roster which was an oversight on their part. Where is Josh McCown or Alex Smith when you need them?
AFC West
Denver Broncos: This team has a ton of injuries and could use a healthier roster, but we will be giving them a quarterback that matches up with this defense. Teddy Bridgewater and Drew Lock just aren’t it for this squad. Maybe Peyton Manning can find the fountain of youth and stop talking over his brother on national television to come back and lead this team to another Super Bowl.
Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs need to be consistent on offense and defense to put together another Super Bowl run. They have all the pieces that they need in place and they just need the consistency to be unstoppable. Consistency is the only gift worth of Patrick Mahomes, Travis Kelce and Tyreek Hill who are at the top of the list of best players in the league. Another team that could serve their community better by volunteering on the holidays.
Las Vegas Raiders: The Raiders have had the season from hell. Coach fired in scandal, first round stud in jail for a long time and another stretch run collapse. The Raiders will be receiving Coal for Christmas for not being very good boys this season. After they learn their lesson, they will be receiving an adult in the room to take this team, hopefully, in the right direction for the first time in a long time. Who led them to the promised land last time? Fuck was it really Jon Gruden? Fuck well someone else then should come available to lead this team with honor again.
Los Angeles Chargers: The Chargers have a stud quarterback in Justin Herbert, but he does have one glaring flaw. We will be giving the Chargers and Herbert a nice touch from the right arm of Herbert, so every pass isn’t thrown at 1000 mph like it is now. Once Herbert has that touch on the ball, this team will be unstoppable.
NFC North
Chicago Bears: The Christmas gift of all Christmas gifts is likely right around the corner for this team. We will be delivering it early this year by giving the Bears the resignation of Matt Nagy. The NFL’s most bewildered coach will not be a coach much longer and the future a certain brightness to it with Justin Fields than any season with Mitch Trubisky.
Detroit Lions: The Lions just need one thing this year to make up for lost time. The Lions are getting better luck this Christmas from the 4th & 32 podcast family. I think everybody and their mother could get behind a Super Bowl worthy campaign from this team who’s facilities must be right on top of a Native American burial ground. *in the tune of little drummer boy* “I want to bite those knees pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum”
Green Bay Packers: The Packers have a juggernaut of an offensive lead by a star quarterback and receiver. For Christmas we are extending the contracts for Aaron Rodgers and Davante Adams for the foreseeable future to keep this team on its track. This team is always a threat to win a Super Bowl when they have Santa and Rudolph at the helm. Minnesota Vikings: Justin Jefferson is already one of the best receivers in the league. This Christmas season he will be hauling in a quarterback that is as clutch as he is. While we’re at it we’ll give the Vikings a defense worthy of the talent on this offense. Kirk Cousins might not care about Covid, but he’s the virus holding this team back.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons: The Falcons need so many things this year. The offensive line is a mess and they’re best receiver stepped away from the game for mental health reasons. This Christmas we’ll be handing out pass blocking lessons and defensive continuity to this very strange team. Name a player on the Falcons defense. Was it AJ Terrell or Deion Jones? I’m either correct or you know way too much about the Falcons. This is why they need anything we can give them this Christmas.
Carolina Panthers: The Panthers have some pieces and a coach that I respect. The problem with them is that any combination of Sam Darnold, PJ Walker or 2021 Cam Newton have been unplayable for a team trying to win football games. This year they’ll be getting a quarterback that can hit receivers in stride and play in the NFL without shooting their whole operation in the foot.
New Orleans Saints: The Saints miss Drew Brees and so does their offense. It may not have been pretty the last few seasons, but everybody remembers the firepower that this offense used to have. This year we will be giving the Saints back a fully healthy Jameis Winston or a prime Drew Brees to pair with this defense that can be absolutely dominant at times. Remember when Drew Brees had hair? Me too.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: This team got the best gift of all time in March 2020 when they signed Tom Brady. The only gift that anyone got in March of that year. It’s going to be hard to top that this year, but we will be giving them Julian Edelman. Chris Godwin is out for the season and Mike Evans is hobbled. Brady doesn’t seem to trust a lot of the receivers on the roster and even the most ardent Brady haters would like to see the old band get back together for one more run.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys: The Cowboys need a leader larger than life like their owner Jerry Jones. For Christmas the Cowboys will be receiving a more exciting head coach to lead their talented roster. Mike McCarthy is a good coach, but he lacks the pizazz necessary to inspire the league’s premiere franchise. At least it will be more fun to watch them in primetime right?
New York Giants: The Giants have the second fewest wins in the league the past five seasons. They can get any number of gifts this Christmas that would help this team recover from this slump. We’re asking for anything that the 4th & 32 family can spare to help out this struggling franchise. Thank you for sparing your time and money in their time of need this holiday season. Any gifts mislabeled could go to the Jets, but they could use any help you can spare as well.
Philadelphia Eagles: The Eagles have one type of skill position player on their roster. They’re all small shifty guys with speed. This Christmas we’re getting them a big bodied possession receiver with enough speed to fit their offense. Think prime Alshon Jeffrey or Brandon Marshall and all of the joy that they could bring this offense in need of help at receiver. Philly might hate Santa, but they’ll love this.
Washington Football Team: I would say that they need a new team name or logo, but that would be too easy. I also happen to be partial to the Football Team and its uniqueness as a name in the league and how it’s fun to say. That being said, they need a new owner right now. Multiple investigations and scandals involving the front office misconduct and stadium conditions make them the laughing stock of the league and a new owner could change all of that in a hurry.
NFC West
Arizona Cardinals: Kyler Murray is all of 5’11’’ in heels, but we can help out the electric, injury prone quarterback. For Christmas the Cardinals and Kyler Murray will be receiving the invincibility star from Super Mario. Kyler will grow to the size of other quarterbacks and not be able to be hurt which is everything that this team needs. The perfect stocking stuffer for their pint sized leader.
Los Angeles Rams: We all know the Rams only want one thing, so we’re going to give it to them. No salary cap for a team that’s general manager and head coach clearly think they don’t need one. Give the Rams the ability to trade first round picks up until 2032 and no salary cap and they might just have enough for FIVE GOLDEN RINGS. San Francisco 49ers: The 49ers have so much good on their roster, but one obvious hole that needs to be addressed. For Christmas the 49ers will receive Trey Lance being the starter going forward. I can not watch Jimmy Garoppolo kill any more drives or seasons and a change at quarterback is all this team needs. If Trey Lance isn’t the guy, Kyle Shanahan might turn into the Grinch.
Seattle Seahawks: The Seahawks won’t be surprised by their gift this year, but it’s all they’ve wanted all year. The Seahawks will be getting a complete rebuild started this offseason and Christmas is the perfect time to start setting up interviews for their new coaching staff and to start scouting new players. Long live the Legion of Boom and Marshawn Lynch. Skittles for everyone.
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